If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
