i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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