allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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