So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
