when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I did not marry a roomba.
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