My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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