and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Someone shattered a urinal.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
