It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
