I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
