I looked at my own cervix.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
