Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
