Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
