i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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