elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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