After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
