just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
