I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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