Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
