last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
