just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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