Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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