I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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