we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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