Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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