I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
