Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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