you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't deserve a penis
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
