I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
