it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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