I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
