my text book just quoted the cookie monster
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
