I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
