did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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