I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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