you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The air was thick with penises
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
