we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
