Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
