Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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