wakey wakey hands off snakey
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
