I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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