Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
