if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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