Having a random hookup so left but love u
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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