Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Soap is not a condiment
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
