I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I want her autograph on my taint
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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