Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
