Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
