Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
