I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
