I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
