My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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