I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
