I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
