Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
