i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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