i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
