my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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