2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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