I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My cat gives me a boner
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
