She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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