clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
