Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
